Tag Archives: Animorphs Paranoia Avalon Irrational

How Animorphs Ruined My Life

Standard

When I was about 11 or 12 I happened upon some books that had these really cool covers that looked like a teen morphing into an animal. Being the kind of kid that judges books by their covers I went “NEAT” and grabbed eight of them.

For those unfamiliar, the Animorphs books are a huge series of books (like, 100+) focusing on a group of teens who witness an alien crash, and are given the power to morph into any animal whose DNA they absorb via touch. They’re on a mission to stop the Yeerk invasion that’s threatening to overwhelm the entire human race. Each book is written from the viewpoint of one of the characters; Jake the leader, Rachel the fighter, Marco the funny guy, Cassie the bleeding heart, Tobias the boy who stayed in his morph for too long and got stuck as a hawk. The Visser Three (later known as Visser one, for the sake of accuracy) is the main bad guy in an Andalite (alien race that is the same that gave the kids the powers look this is seriously a complicated huge world) body who spends most of his time being thwarted by the kids, and Aximili is an alien who comes to join them in their battle and in fact is the little brother of the alien who gave them their powers.

So it’s actually super badass for a young adult series and I read them like crazy. I think my mom hated them because I was begging daily to go to the library or for her to buy me the Scholastic Book Club series offering of the month. K. A. Applegate was one of my first author obsessions.

So here’s how she ruined my life.

She had Yeerks being carried around and snuck into people’s ears so they could sink into their brain and take over.

Every time I’m lying in bed and my ear itches I’m afraid a Yeerk is trying to creep in. Yes, I’m more worried about an imaginary slug than some sort of bug crawling in there (in my defense that idea freaks me out too).

She had the kids sneak into houses and pretend to be family pets so they could check to see if people were under Yeerk control.

Do you ever take a shower or go to the toilet with a dog hot on your heels? You’re, obviously, the most interesting thing in the room so where else are they going to look?

Every time my dog watches me sit on the toilet, or take a shower, or dress or undress…

I get suspicious.

I start to watch her stare me and I stare back, beginning to get uncomfortable and feel like she’s watching awfully close thanks. Then I end up getting all shy and hiding from her prying eyes and demand that she look elsewhere.

A book series has made me certain that somehow some creeper teenager has been given the power to absorb my dog’s form and take it so he can sit and watch me take a shower.

I’m certain I’m not the only one.

Fuck you, Applegate.